The twentyfirst.

I've never really understood the twentyfirst phenomenon. Why would you want all your friends to meet your parents drunk? Why would you want your family friends listen to your closest friend/partner in crime/the person who sees you when you're passed out in your own vom whilst smoking a j tell the stories of passing out in vom and smoking j's? I don't want photos of me passed out at the local college pub to circulate as far as my parents and their friends.

Nevertheless, I do (as most of you know) understand the desire to be the center of attention. So I'm having a twentyfirst with my family/family friends, and a twentyfirst with my friends. I just happen to be able to separate these things with an entire country, sometimes the circumference of Earth. Anyway, here are a few of the things I know will come up in speeches/attempts to embarrass me.

- When I was four (I think) I lived on the Cocos Islands and had a rebel friend. We would go out into the tropical wilderness and collect hermit crabs (which eventually came to live in the shower), jump off rocks in the sea and learn naughty words from his parents. One day we went frolicking near the local primary school in search of fun/adventure. Only to break into the art room and trash it. The only vague recollection I have of this is covering a wad of toilet paper with black paint and throwing it upwards to the ceiling. OH, and being strongly reprimanded and cripplingly ashamed of what I had done. In my memory there are police cars, but that may have something to do with my exaggerated nature.

- I have a saxophone teacher who later became a friend. When I was 15/16 I was a bit of a prickish little prude/sober person. Anyway the first time I ever had more than a few beers was at this saxophone teacher's 40th birthday. I ended up not only sleeping on his couch (only to be woken by his children), but also vomiting rice/champagne/beer all over his bathroom and garden.

- I have a godbrother who has attempted to strangle me/suffocate me on numerous occasions. As well as pull off my Barbie's heads/tie a knot around their necks and hang them from the second floor.

- When I first moved to Melbourne I had never really been out before, I was underage and had never smoked or taken any form of recreational drug. Unfortunately I went a little bit overboard and most people who lived in college with me have some story or another regarding the infamous Sammy/SamT. Mostly involving vomit or naivety.

- Still to this day I smoke a j after getting home and end up passed out on the bathroom floor. It's become somewhat of a ritual for Bigfoot to yell outside the bathroom until I stand up.

See? You all think you've been there now.