Pearls of Wisdom

It's been a long time since I posted. To be honest, not much has happened but I figured I would exploit my position of power here to let you all in on some of my infallible wisdom...


1. When you're drunkenly attempting to pick-up, don't lean into people with your tongue sticking out and toward their mouths. I can assure you that you will not get the desired effect and even if the person you're attempting to woo/just make out with for fun does return your attempted kiss, it won't be pretty.

2. Instead of looking for love, try settling for some gangsta cred. The hoodie-clad boy handing you bag-less drugs will do.

3. Ron Weasley is by far the most attractive character in Harry Potter. Try dedicating your life to meeting him slash performing sexual acts for him.

4. If you want something from your family and friends claim to be heart broken. Money will flood in, and you won't have to make your own cup of tea or roll your own cigarette for at least four days.

5. When you've given up on your essays and have decided that it's not worth aiming for high marks, purchase some goon. Make sure that when you invite all of your friends over you tell them that you've nearly finished - this will allow you for a guilt-free night that ends in a satisfying vom and a long, hot shower.

6. Couches do belong in kitchens. Don't fight it.

7. If you run out of money before the weekend, call a sibling or close friend and propose that you share their money for a time. Don't let them know you're broke and spend your last eleven dollars on goon. Proceed as you would if you had given up on an essay.

8. Pay your debts on time.

9. Share all of your horrific dreams with everyone you come into contact with. I had a dream that I had a penis. It was extremely thin and had a bobby pin stuck under the top layer of skin - you could see the outline. I also dreamed that I was molesting a young girl. Dreams allow your life to be slightly more exciting without the guilt or disgust that would exist in the real world.

10. Get your tutors to like you. This just requires a few astute comments at the beginning and end of each tutorial. Lately mine has been something related to Irigaray. Try using the words scopophilic and post-colonial in the same sentence. For the purposes of gender studies throw in the names 'Judith Butler' or 'Toril Moi' or even 'Janice Raymond'.

11. Attempt to know everything about the seventeen year-old son that belongs to your idol. Not only does this provide an hour or two of internet-fun, but it makes you feel closer to them when you read/watch/listen to something they are in.


All of these things will keep you below the line of poverty, entertained and feeling slightly less alive than before.

Hope you didn't miss me too much,

Evilboy.