The Art of the Sext.

Recently I've been wondering how to construct the most rousing sexy text. For a while I was working with gardening analogies - you know, shovels and dirt and stuff. But I'm not sure if it's been particularly successful, here's a few between a friend and I. I was trying to scare her, because sometimes she gets embarrassed in gender studies classes when people talk about their sex lives...

Me: I want to penetrate you with a shovel
Friend: I'll use that shovel to dig you out.
Me: I'm dirty. You need to tie me up and force me to submit with your vibrating bullet.
Friend: Or worse. The Force of the Feather.

I don't think I was particularly successful at setting the mood. Firstly, I've never gardened in my life so I don't really know what it's all about. Secondly, I sense that fucking in a garden would be like a beach - except probably a bit more moist. Finally, perhaps sticking with the 'shovel/phallus' paradigm is a mistake, because lets face it - it sounds like something out of American Psycho, and no one wants to find Brett Easton Ellis on the other end of a sexy text message.

David Wygant gives a few tips on the sext. I've paraphrased them for you:

1. Make sure you've either had sex before, or talked about sex with each other before you start the hot-and-heavy words.
2. Go 'right past' the small talk. I'm not sure what he means by this, because most of my small talk does involve sex. Or sexualities, genders, trans people. How I've always wanted to have groupies. I think what he's saying is to not start the sext-adventure with 'how are you today?' or 'we're having chicken for dinner'.
3. Don't ever pressure anyone. I think he's trying to tell people to always keep things hypothetical: 'if you come over tonight', 'if you do that i might have to do this'.

He gives an abysmal example of some texts he shared with his ex-girlfriend. Check them out here. I needed to give away with this David-guy, because the first highlighted words on his bio are 'he's a regular guy', and no one wants a sext from a regular guy.


Having done away with David Wygant the 'dating coach' that fox news recommends, I'm left with just one question: should we be using analogies for penises and vaginas like in romantic/erotic fiction or is it better to go with a more literal approach?

Examples, anecdotes, suggestions? Let me know. While you think about it, maybe this will get you in the mood..

Evilboy.