Dear Tom,

As a fake redhead I require a job to continue paying for my hair dye. Your vague gumtree ad for bar staff will do. I am a couch potato but I will do my best to pour beers for you with minimal head. From my expatriate friend's apartment in Chile I have decided that London is the way to go for I can't speak Spanish. Working at your bar/restaurant/brothel would be my pleasure (and maybe yours too). I used to play the trombone - you know what this means. I'll be good to you, bitches.

Please hire me.

Kisses,

Sian.